Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Education
by Solid Chihuahua
Summary: Snake is a teacher of ill-behaved students. Some suggestive themes and language. It's my first fanfic.
1. Day 1

I don't own Metal Gear Solid or any of its characters.  
  
Once there was a high school. Within that school was a class filled with obnoxious, rude, uncontrollable students. They had driven three teachers to insanity, caused five teachers to quit, and caused one teacher to start a new life as a crime-fighting vigilante named Turkeyman. The school was desperate. The parents complained but did nothing about it. The principal decided he must do something drastic. That's where our hero comes in. This is his story.  
  
  
  
Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Education  
  
  
  
[A bell is heard as students enter the classroom.]  
  
Dan: I hear we get a new teacher today. What should we do to him?  
  
Chris: Lets break some paintballs into his coffee...Hey! Why is there a cardboard box on the desk?  
  
[The students' attention is diverted to a large box with the words "ZOE" on the front.]  
  
Dan: I don't know, but it's eye-catching!  
  
Brian: Who cares? I got some paintballs. Lets put them in the coffee before he comes.  
  
[Brian walks behind the desk and proceeds to use a pen to break the paintballs.]  
  
Solid Snake: I wouldn't do that if I were you.  
  
Brian: Holy S***! There's a guy in that box!  
  
Snake: Yeah, and he's pointing a gun at your head. So step away from my booze.  
  
Chris: Booze?  
  
[Brian backs away, at first slowly, but then sprints back to his seat. Snake lifts Box 5 off of his head.]  
  
Keith: Ha! He's got a mull- ACK!  
  
Jessica: Oh S***! That freaky man with a mullet shot him!  
  
Snake: (replacing his M9) Relax, it's only a tranquilizer. He'll be fine in a few hours.  
  
  
  
  
  
Some time later.  
  
  
  
[Snake has already taken attendance and scared the children S***less. He is now teaching the class about combat helicopters.]  
  
Snake:.The Hind D was forth in a series of Soviet helicopters given the designation Mi-24. The Mi-24 was the first helicopter gunship built by the Mikhail Mil design bureau.  
  
[A clicking sound is heard.]  
  
Snake: (draws his gun) What the hell was that?!?  
  
Jessie: Christine's chewing gum again.  
  
Christine: (chewing gum) No I wasn't!  
  
Snake: (lowering gun) What did your old teacher do in this situation?  
  
Bob: Besides pull her hair out? (a snicker from several students is heard) Usually she would make her stand in the corner with the gum on her nose.  
  
Snake: I have a better idea.  
  
  
  
A little while later:  
  
  
  
[Snake has now moved onto yet another subject.]  
  
Snake: (Proudly presenting a large gun) This is an AKS-72u.  
  
[The students gasp at the weapon held before them.]  
  
Heather: Ahh!  
  
Chris: Cool!  
  
Violet: He can't do that!  
  
Kevin: Can I hold it?  
  
Snake: Sure! (Hands gun to Kevin.) You're never too young to handle a Kalashnikov. Now this gun is smaller than most AKs and can support a laser aimer and suppressor and even a grenade-  
  
Violet: (timidly raises her hand) Um, Mr. Snake, I, uh, think something is like, uh, touching my leg.  
  
Snake: So?  
  
Violet: Uh, I don't see him.  
  
Snake: Let's see. (He places IR goggles on head and scans the class. He then sees a familiar outline next to Violet) Aha! You! (Snake tackles the unseen intruder.)  
  
Grey Fox: (suddenly visible and lying on the ground in pain) Ahhh! Hurt me more, Snake!  
  
[Snake gets up and looks down on the cyborg-like ninja lying on the floor.]  
  
Snake: Frank, you know you can't be in here molesting my students.  
  
Fox: (getting up) You can't tell me what to do. Besides, most of the other students seemed to have liked it.  
  
Several female students: Gross!  
  
Snake: (ignores them) How long have you been here?  
  
Fox: A while. By the way, I really liked the way you handled the gum- chewer. (He points to Christine, who is currently in the corner balancing a block of C4 on her face.)  
  
Christine: Help..me..  
  
Snake: Oh crap! I forgot about her! Fox, go get the coolant spray out of my car.  
  
Fox: You mean the Abrams out front?  
  
Snake: Yeah.  
  
A burst of gunfire is heard.  
  
Kevin: Oh S***!  
  
Bob: (on the ground, bleeding from his arm) ARGGG!!! It hurts! It hurts! I'm gonna die!  
  
Snake: (unconcerned) Calm down, pussy. Eat this. (He tosses him a ration.)  
  
Bob: Eat?!?! EAT?!?! I've been shot!  
  
Snake: Eat it or you'll be shot again.  
  
Bob: (eats the ration) Wow! I feel much better.  
  
  
  
Later.  
  
  
  
[Everyone is uncharacteristically quiet as Snake moves on to his next lesson of the day.]  
  
Snake: Okay class, the school has requested that I teach you about computers. I don't know much about this so I brought in a friend to help me.  
  
Jason: (whispering) Oh no, not another one of his "friends"  
  
[Otacon walks in wearing a lab coat.]  
  
Snake: This is Otacon.  
  
Joe: Ha! He's a dork! What the hell kinda name is "Otacon"?  
  
Otacon: My real name's Hal. (The entire class laughs.) Hey! (upset) Snake, these students aren't very nice.  
  
Snake: You little brats better shut up before I set off another stun grenade!  
  
[Everyone is quiet once again.]  
  
Otacon: Thank you, Snake. You make a good teacher.  
  
Snake: (offended) Shut up.  
  
Otacon: Anyway, students, you all have computers at you desk. To access them, face them and press the [action button].  
  
[The students look around them confused. Several of them study the keyboard.]  
  
Jennifer: Action button?  
  
[A few boys stick their hand down their pants.]  
  
Kevin: I love that button.  
  
Otacon: No! On your controllers! (The class is still confused.) Don't tell me you don't know what a controller is!  
  
Snake: I told you they weren't that bright.  
  
Chris: Hey! I think you just have to press this power switch on the side.  
  
[He presses it and his computer turns on.]  
  
Otacon: Hmm.I suppose that could work.  
  
  
  
After class.  
  
  
  
[Heather and Emily, henceforth known as Airhead 1 and Airhead 2, walk down the hall.]  
  
Airhead 1: I know! Bret was all over Jamie at the party when Emma was gone.  
  
Airhead 2: Yeah, but he's dating Emma! I think I should tell her.  
  
Airhead 1: Yeah. Hold on, I need to stop and get something out of my locker. (She opens her locker) AHHHHHH!  
  
Airhead 2: What's wrong?  
  
Airhead 1: There's a man in my locker!  
  
[Solid Snake is squeezed inside the tiny locker, sweating.]  
  
Snake: Um, could you please close the door. (He pauses for a moment.) Oh, by the way, I think you should totally tell Emma about Bret and Jamie. He's a dirt bag for cheating on her.  
  
[The two airheads look at each other in disbelief.]  
  
Aihead 2: Uhh.  
  
[Grey Fox suddenly appears next to them.]  
  
Airhead 1: AHHH!  
  
Fox: (ignoring the girls) No way! I was there. Jamie was coming onto Bret. He's a teenage boy. There was nothing he could do! There's no way he could've resisted.  
  
Snake: Ha! You're just saying that because you were a pimp in high school!  
  
Fox: At least I got laid!  
  
Snake: (offended) You know I had a long distance relationship with someone else! I was loyal!  
  
Fox: You two hadn't talked in three years! It was over!  
  
Snake: (crying) She said she'd call! I waited and waited.  
  
Airhead 2: Uh, maybe we should go.  
  
That was day one of Snake's new teaching career. I'll write some more. It will last until Snake gets fired or arrested. Whichever comes first. 


	2. Day 2

I don't own any of the MGS or MGS2 characters.  
  
Day 2  
  
  
  
Solid Snake has had a successful first day of teaching. He has scared the crap out of all of his students, and has earned the respect and admiration of some of them (mainly the boys). The second school day starts with the same thing on every one of his students' minds: the promise of a special school project. Some were dreading this, while others were looking forward to it, but the only thing they new about it was that it had something to do with a bunch of boys bringing in their paintball guns.  
  
[Roughly a dozen yellow school busses are lined up outside the High School parking lot, many of them beeping their horns, none of them able to get in.]  
  
Principal: What's the hold-up? Why can't the busses get in?  
  
The-dude-that's-in-charge-of-busses: Uh, apparently there's something in their way.  
  
Principal: What?  
  
Dude: Um, a tank.  
  
Principal: A tank?  
  
Dude: (nervous) An M1A1 Abrams, to be exact.  
  
Principal: Why the hell is there a tank in the parking lot?!?!  
  
Dude: Uh, I think it might have something to do with that scary man with the mullet that keeps holding-up the faculty.  
  
Principal: I was afraid something like this would happen.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Snakes classroom.  
  
  
  
[Solid Snake is standing, seemingly alone, in an empty classroom in which all the desks have been removed and non-stealth-equipped claymores have been placed near the walls.]  
  
Snake: Where are you?  
  
[Snake is suddenly struck in the stomach by an unseen force.]  
  
Snake: Oof! Sunuvabitch!  
  
[Snake delivers a sweeping kick along the ground, causing the stealth- equipped Grey Fox to fall to the ground and his stealth to malfunction.]  
  
Fox: (being electrocuted) AHH! YES! THE PAIN!  
  
Snake: (panting) Man, you should really stop doing that, it freaks people out.  
  
Fox: (getting up) What?  
  
Snake: You know, the whole "pain" thing. It gives people the creeps.  
  
Fox: And your mullet doesn't?  
  
Snake: Lay off!  
  
Fox: Besides, how would I have gotten into FOXHOUND if I didn't freak people out?  
  
Snake: I guess you're right.  
  
Fox: (punches Snake in the jaw) Of course I am!  
  
Snake: Ow! Damn!  
  
[They continue to fight until Snake accidentally places his hand down in front of a claymore. Being the tough guy that he is, his arm somehow remains attached to the rest of his body.]  
  
  
  
Later, after Snake is forced to move his Abrams and put the desks back....  
  
  
  
Snake: Okay class, I know I promised you a special project today, but first we have to go over the differences between the M16A1 and the M16A2.  
  
[Ben raises his hand]  
  
Snake: What do you want?  
  
Ben: Well, um, I did some research on you yesterday and I wanted to ask you a question.  
  
Snake: (smug) Why yes, I have accomplished a few things, you may have heard of me. You want to ask me something about Shadow Moses?  
  
Ben: Is it true that you're gay?  
  
Snake: (not so smug) What?!? Of course not!  
  
[Grey Fox, his camo now working again, can be heard snickering from the corner.]  
  
Ben: Oh..Um, what did happen at Shadow Moses?  
  
Snake: (frustrated) I thought you'd never ask.  
  
Chris: I heard it was just some stupid terrorist thing and the government came in a blew them up.  
  
Snake: Not exactly. Now listen up. I was sent in by submarine, all alone and without any weapons. The only support I had was through codec. Let's talk a little about my support. My commander my Roy Campbell, but that's not important. There was this cute little Asian girl by the name of Mei Ling. Some may think I wouldn't be interested because she's about sixteen, but I happen to like the young girls, especially the breasts-  
  
Heather: Mr. Snake! I find this very inappropriate.  
  
Snake: Shut up, you're going to be tested on this, and so far Kevin's the only one taking notes.  
  
[Kevin turns red.]  
  
Snake: Now I suggest you do the same.  
  
[Everyone takes out their notepad, some quickly, some more reluctantly than others.]  
  
Snake: Let's talk a little about Naomi. She was kind of slutty, but, hey, I'm not picky..  
  
[Snake trailed on for over an hour.]  
  
Snake:..Man, could I watch that butt move back and forth for hours. (Snake looks up at the clock) Damn! It's time for our project. I almost forgot! I trust you all brought paintball guns?  
  
  
  
Fifteen minutes later, in the science lab.  
  
  
  
Teacher: Now class, we're going to work with the Bunsen burners today, so I want everyone to put their goggles on now.  
  
[As soon as the last person places their goggles on, a loud explosion is heard and the classroom door comes crashing down.]  
  
Snake: MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!  
  
[Several girls can be heard screaming.]  
  
Teacher: Dave! What is the meaning of- ugh! (Snake shoots her with his M9)  
  
Snake: COMMANDING OFFICER NEUTRALIZED!  
  
[Snake's class opens fire with their paintball guns on the science class. All hell breaks loose.]  
  
Brain: Eat this!  
  
Ryan: Go to hell!  
  
Brain: Hey! Ryan! You just shot Christine! She's on our side!  
  
Ryan: (shrugs) Eh, I don't like her.  
  
[One of the students from the science class stands up and shields himself with a tin tray he was working on.]  
  
Student: Stop it! What the hell are you doing! (He is hit in the arm) Ow! Dammit! (He looks around for a weapon and spots a beaker full of diluted hydrochloric acid.) That's it! ARRGGGG! (He throws it at Chris's face)  
  
Chris: AHHHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!  
  
Snake: WE HAVE A CASUALTY! JESSICA! BOB! ESCORT HIM BACK TO THE CLASSROOM! [They do as they are told.]  
  
Snake: FOX! WHERE ARE YOU? (He shoots the kid who threw the acid.)  
  
[Two students who were magically floating in the air suddenly drop down.]  
  
Fox: (turns his stealth off) Right here, Snake! (jumps towards Snake) Just like old times, eh?  
  
Snake: I think we've completed the mission. Call them off! HOLD YOUR FIRE!  
  
Fox: HOLD YOUR FIRE!  
  
[Everybody stops.]  
  
Snake: IT HAS TAKEN YOU- (to Fox) eh, what grade is this?  
  
Fox: Ninth.  
  
Snake: IT HAS TAKEN YOU TEN YEARS TO BUILD YOUR EDUCATION EMPIRE! IT HAS TAKEN US THIRTY SECONDS TO CRUSH IT! (to his class) MOVE OUT!  
  
  
  
Well, that's it for today. Next chapter we'll see what kind of trouble Snake gets into for raiding a fellow teacher's classroom. 


	3. Day 3

I don't own MGS or any of its characters. Believe me, if I did, I would be obscenely wealthy and I would not be sitting here alone writing childish fanfiction. I'd be hanging out with my pet chimpanzee in my spaceship.  
  
I also want to apologize for serious lack of updating. Summer is usually my time for writing. Our public school system doesn't look kindly upon creative outlets, not does it allow a lot of time for it. But, hey, fencing season is over, and I finally remembered that these little story existed, so its time for day three!  
  
Day 3  
  
[A quiet fall day. A mother drives her 15-year-old son to school]  
  
Mom: Did you remember your books?  
  
Son: Yes.  
  
Mom: Your instrument?  
  
Son: Yes.  
  
Mom: Your lunch money?  
  
Son: Yes.  
  
Mom: Your cell phone?  
  
Son: HOLY CRAP!  
  
Mom: What's wrong?! You didn't forget it......what the hell?  
  
[The white, 2-ton SUV rounds the corner to reveal the enormous metallic monster, METAL GEAR RAY.]  
  
A few minutes later, in the classroom....  
  
Snake: Today we will learn about some older weapons. My knowledge on military technology predating 1900 is somewhat limited, so I brought in someone to help. He's a bit of an expert.  
  
[A grey-haired man in a brown trench coat, wearing a revolver on his hip steps forward.]  
  
Man: I am.......SHALASHASKA!  
  
Ryan: Gesundheit.  
  
Tim: That's his name, you dolt.  
  
Heather: Whoa...is that, like, foreign or something?  
  
Snake: Heather! Twenty minutes, for being stupid!  
  
[Heather stands and walks to the corner. Snake places a fragmentation grenade in her mouth and ensures that the lever is depressed before removing the pin and pocketing it.]  
  
Shalashaska: Thank you. You can call me Revolver Ocelot. Now, children-  
  
[Otacon enters suddenly.]  
  
Otacon: Hey! Snake!  
  
Ocelot: Damn these interruptions!  
  
Otacon: Snake, I was listening in on your class with the directional mic-  
  
Snake: What?! Why?  
  
Otacon: Never mind that. I was listening and I started getting this interference. Some horrible sound! It took a moment before I realized it was music! Someone's listening to headphones in your class!!  
  
Snake: You interrupted for this?  
  
Otacon: It's horrid! Listen!  
  
[Snake places the headphones on his ears as Otacon directs the microphone towards Brian. Snake listens for a moment before grimacing.]  
  
Snake: Brian, remove those! (His student complies.) What is that crap?  
  
Brian: 50 Cent.  
  
Snake: (groans) Stupid kids. Why don't you listen to someone with talent?  
  
Jeff: Like who?  
  
Snake: Jimi Hendrix.  
  
Otacon: Yoko Kanno.  
  
Ocelot: Charlie Parker.  
  
Ocelot(Liquid's Voice): The Who.  
  
Fox: (unseen in corner) George Clinton!!  
  
Ocelot: What the hell?!  
  
Snake: That's Frank. Get used to it.  
  
About 15 minutes later...  
  
Ocelot: ...but you need to understand, that was before the repeating rifle came about. Still, even after all these advances in modern firearms, the SAA is still the finest gun ever made.  
  
Snake: Ha! I'd like to see that up against a G36.  
  
Ocelot(Liquids voice): Guns are boring. Let's talk about nukes!!  
  
Ocelot: You and mass destruction! Nothing can match the finesse of a revolver.  
  
Liquid: What good is a revolver against a 50-ton walking tank?  
  
Ocelot: What good is a nuke in a shootout?  
  
Liquid: You can't impress women with that pea shooter!  
  
Ocelot: What do you care about women? You're a freakin' hand!  
  
Liquid: I can do more for a woman with this hand than you can do with the rest of your body. When's the last time you were with a woman? I've barely seen you talk to one since I became a part of you.  
  
Ocelot: It's hard with my profession! There is no time for women.  
  
Liquid: You mean a patriot puppet? You spend all of your time in hiding, watching bad westerns.  
  
Otacon: Ooh! Do you like Trigun?!  
  
Ocelot: SILENCE FOOL!  
  
Liquid: Geek.  
  
After another ten minutes of bickering....  
  
Jon: (Timidly raising his hand) Um, excuse me. Are we being tested on this?  
  
Ocelot: I don't know.  
  
Liquid: Who cares?  
  
Ocelot: Ask Snake.  
  
Jon: Err....(looks around the room)....where is he?  
  
Fox: He wandered off a while ago.  
  
Ocelot: Whatever. Back to the topic! The simply cannot be existence without God!  
  
Liquid: That's crap. Atheistic religions like Buddhism have so much more to offer. The Buddha perfected himself to the point where he himself is godlike. That oneness with the divine is something western religions simply don't offer. Separation from God only leads to fear! True enlightenment can be gained through embracing humanity. Be like the Taoist.  
  
Ocelot: That eastern crap is nothing but a bunch of mysticism. There's nothing concrete! Only a supreme being like the one described in the bible could have created a world with such perfect rules and order.  
  
Kevin: I am so confused.  
  
Elizabeth: I don't get it, is he supposed to be two people or something?  
  
Elsewhere...  
  
[Solid Snake presses himself against the wall and leans around the corner.]  
  
Snake: No sign of enemy patrols. Proceeding to objective.  
  
[Snake pulls himself up into a conveniently man-sized ventilation duct. He proceeds towards the teacher's lounge.]  
  
In the lounge....  
  
Principal: Thank goodness! Fresh donuts.  
  
Mrs. T: It's such a pain dealing with this damn kids. Donuts are my nirvana.  
  
Mr. E: Yes. Too bad they run out so quickly. We should order more.  
  
Principal: Not in the budget. Donuts are very expensive. (He reaches for a cream filled donut.) [Before his hand reaches the donut, a small yellow cannister falls from the ceiling.]  
  
Principal: Huh?  
  
[The canister explodes, creating an echoing boom and a blinding flash. By the time the teachers regain their sight and equilibrium, the donuts are gone. The door is ajar.]  
  
Principal: ........I never get any donuts. 


End file.
